Twilight 911
by moon.cherry.twilite
Summary: The Cullens all become cops for a reality show so that they can protect and serve the community...or will they just cause even more trouble? Another random comedy.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I keep having these random story whims!! Read and devour the randomness people!**

It was a rainy afternoon, and everyone was gathered at the big white house, just hanging out. Jasper was reading the paper until he looked up and spoke.

"Hey, you guys want to be a cop for a week?"

"As in I have a gun and I'll arrest you kind of guy? Bella asked.

Jasper nodded. "Yeah there is this thing in the paper, and it says become a cop for a week, and you will automatically be entered for a chance at eight thousand dollars."

"Do you have to have a clean record to enter?" Emmett asked as he walked behind him to read the fine print.

Jasper shook his head. "No, it says anyone."

"Wow, they must be pretty desperate if they'll take just anyone." Edward said.

Esme then skipped over to read the article. "Maybe they're trying to get more people involved in the community, which is a good idea; I think we should do it."

"I'm in," Emmett said. "I used to want to be a cop…before I picked up a gun and found out it was more fun just to shoot."

"I'm in too!" Alice stated. "I think I could turn the uniform into something fun to wear."

"It says you need to enter with a partner." Carlisle read. "But there are only seven of you, if Renesmee wants to come…"

Jacob then raised his hand. "You forgot about me, I got kicked out, remember? I came crawling back to you guys? I'm now broke and I moved back into this house."

"Oh right…sorry." Carlisle replied.

"Well does everyone want to do it?" Edward asked, "We've all got time to kill."

"No," Rosalie answered as she stood up from the couch.

"Why not?" Bella asked.

"Because, I'm not going to risk my life for other people just so they can get more people involved in the community. I'm even surprised you all want to do this!" Rosalie exclaimed, "I know it won't HURT literally, but why should I risk getting shot at, when I can make a protest about how dumb cops are…and I'm sorry but I'm worth way more then eight thousand dollars… and…"

"It's for a reality show." Emmett said cutting her off.

Rosalie stopped and stared at everyone for a second. "You mean there will be camera's filming us?"

Edward nodded. "That's what is says."

Rosalie smiled. "Okay I'm in!"

"But I thought you…" Renesmee began.

Rosalie waved her hands. "Who cares what I said! I'm going to be on TV!"

"So everyone in?" Alice asked.

This time everyone agreed.

"I'll film our audition tapes." Edward offered.

He set up a camera, and everyone filmed a small segment about themselves. After they were done they packaged up their stuff and sent it in the mail.

Two Weeks Later:

"Mail's here." Carlisle called out as he handed out everyone's.

"Everyone has mail?" Esme asked. "That's odd."

"It's the response from that reality show." Alice answered.

"Reality show?" Bella asked still confused.

Edward nodded. "Yeah, you know the thing we sighed up for two weeks ago? We made an audition tape and everything?"

He smiled as he watched the realization hit her face. "Oh yeah."

Before anyone had a chance to read over their letter, Rosalie sprang up off the couch.

"I'm in! They accepted me!"

"Congratulations!" Alice smiled as she read over her letter. "ME TOO!"

"Getting accepted to something is almost better then sex." Emmett stated which caused everyone to stare. "I said almost!"

Everyone nodded and went back to their letters. Turned out they were all accepted, and shooting began tomorrow.

"This is so cool. I wonder if they'll let me come in and do an autopsy on one of the dead bodies?" Carlisle asked.

"I still can't believe _we_, out of _everyone_ are going to be cops for a week." Renesmee said.

"Who cares, I'm going to be on TV!" Rosalie said with triumph.

Edward sat on the couch with wide eyes. "I can't believe it; I finally get to live my childhood dream."

Bella sat down and wrapped her arms around him. "I thought your dream as a child was to become a soldier?"

Edward shrugged. "I take what I can get."

"I had a dream," Rosalie began.

Jacob snorted. "You can't sleep."

Rosalie huffed. "Nobody asked you."

"Whatever, all I know is I'm excited to win that money." Jacob stated.

"I'm thrilled; I wish it was tomorrow already!" Alice squealed.

Rosalie glared at Jacob. "Where's your sarcastic comment for her?"

"Relax," Esme said as she pulled Rosalie into a hug. "You kids are going to be on TV tomorrow."

Nessie smiled and giggled. "I'm with Alice; I wish it was tomorrow already!"

The rest of the evening they sat around the loft, talking about how much fun being on a reality show was going to be, and how excited they were. Before they knew it, it was one in the morning, so they all retreated to there respective homes/rooms and waited.

**A/N: Loved it? Hated it? How will I know if you don't review?? hint hint.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks so much to Bailey H. Cullen and cullendrive for reviewing this story! I hope this next bit is as good.**

CHAPTER 2

The next day all Cullens (and Jacob) got ready, and met down at the police station as instructed.

They all entered one by one to meet the sheriff.

"Hi, I'm Sheriff Kyle..." A tall blonde guy stated, but before he continued he paused and looked over the eight people in front of him.

He eyed Jasper up and down with a confused look. "Um, sir..."

"Whitlock...Whitlock-Hale…Whitlock-Hale-Cullen…Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen…Major Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen." He said while shaking the other guy's hand.

Sheriff Kyle pulled back and nodded uncertainly. "Um…can I ask why you are wearing short shorts?"

Emmett then muffled a laugh as soon as he noticed what Jasper was wearing. "Dude, why you wearing those?"

Jasper shrugged. "They'll help me run faster."

Sheriff Kyle just rolled his eyes as he began to turn around, but before he could fully turn around he noticed Rose, Bella, Renesmee and Alice's attire. "Did you turn your pants into skirts?"

Alice smiled and did a curtsy. "Yup, I made them! They are way more comfortable and fashionable then the pants you gave us."

Nessie twirled around. "And like Jasper, they'll help us run fast!"

"You can't just go cutting up the uniform we gave you." Sheriff Kyle argued.

"Relax, it will give the show more ratings." Rosalie said.

Sheriff Kyle eyed Rosalie, and his eyes widened at the sight. She was wearing tight pants, a tight shirt with the top buttons opened up, and the bottom half of the shirt was tied up to show her stomach. "Can you tell me how your outfit gives you advantages?"

Rosalie smiled. "It makes me look hot...this way when I'm on T,V someone will see me, and be like 'Hey she's hot. Let's make her the star of our movie."

Sheriff Kyle shook his head. "No, you guys don't get the point of this. We are doing this to help people in the community...not to make you famous or boost ratings."

"Well we can't help the community if we aren't comfortable." Jasper said.

"You know what, whatever...wear what you want." Sheriff Kyle said. "Okay, so this is how it works. You drive around and answer police calls and do your best to help you the community."

Edward raised his hand. "When do we get the gun?"

"After your training." He answered.

"When is that?" Jasper asked.

"After next week." Sheriff Kyle answered annoyed.

Rosalie then raised her hand. "When do they start filming?"

"Next week after your training."

"Okay, so before we start I'm going to go over some more stuff..."

"Can we start training now?" Edward asked.

Rosalie nodded. "Yeah, I want to get it over with so I can be on TV."

Sheriff Kyle shook his head. "First we have to..."

"When do we find out who wins the money?" Jacob asked.

Sheriff Kyle sighed. "You know what, lets just start the training now!"

"Yeah!" Edward cheered.

A fast week went by, and all of them got trained to be a cop. It was a fast training program but since it was for a reality show the producers didn't really care what they knew.

"Okay so the job is pretty simple, just go out there and try and stop crime!" Sheriff Kyle said. "You all know your partners for today?"

"Yes! Jacob is my life partner!" Nessie said with pride.

"And Jasper is mine!" Alice added.

Sheriff Kyle shook his head. "No. I mean the person you will be patrolling with."

"Oh yeah, Bella is mine." Edward said.

"No!" Bella said, suddenly, "I want to be with Renesmee."

"I guess this means I'm with Edward." Jacob said unenthusiastically.

"I'm with Emmett." Rosalie stated.

"Emmett and Rosalie, fighting crime, protecting the streets...the only thing stopping them is their sex drive." Jasper said in a voice-over tone.

Sheriff Kyle put his hands in his head and huffed. "What did I get myself into?" He then looked up at the ten of them and said. "Okay, you all know the rules...be safe and protect our City...and just pretend the cameras aren't even there."

"WOO! Let's do this!" Emmett said with his gun in hand.

Before anyone left, a gunshot was fired. Everyone looked around and their eyes landed on Bella.

She looked sheepish. "Sorry, my finger slipped."

Nessie rolled her eyes. "Just great! I'm going to die today aren't I?"

Rosalie skipped past her. "At least you'll die on TV!"

"Let's go kick some criminal ass!" Alice said as she followed Rosalie out the door.

Everyone else ran behind them, and soon the streets were being watched over by the eight vampires, a werewolf, and a cross-breed.

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**A/N: REVIEW...Please? The next chapter is where all the FUN starts. But only if I get reviews... :P  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It really means a lot to me ( :**

**And it might seem that the characters are acting a tiny bit weird, (okay, more than that) but it IS a comedy story, so please don't PM or review to say "this is so OOC!" I've exaggerated for comedic effect, is all.  
**

**So, here's chapter 3, where all the REAL action/ craziness really begins.**

CHAPTER 3

**Deputy Masen and Deputy Black (Edward and Jacob)**

"Could you slow down a little?!" Jacob asked as he clutched onto his seat. "Why did you get to drive anyway?"

"Because you can't even hold a gun with out it going off, no way in hell I'm going to let you drive me around." Edward answered, as he got an idea.

"Wait a minute! I didn't do that, it was Bella!" Jacob looked over to see a smile hit the other man's face. "…why are you smiling?"

Edward looked towards Jacob. "We _are_ in a cop car…"

"So…" Jacob said nervously.

Edward reached his hand out, and before Jacob could say anything, the sirens were on and they were speeding down the road.

"Edward, you're going to kill us!" Jacob shouted.

Edward let out a laugh. "Stop being such a baby, you're on TV."

"Please stop!" Jacob said.

"Alright!" Edward said, sighing as he slowed the car down.

Just as he slowed down some stranger flew past them, and shot them the finger.

"Oh-no-he di-nt!" Edward said, as he turned on the sirens once again, and began chasing the vehicle.

Jacob looked towards the sky with tears in his eyes. "Oh God, please let me live through this."

Once Edward pulled the guy over, he opened his door to get out of the car, only stopping when he noticed Jacob wasn't moving.

"You are coming, aren't you?" Edward asked.

Jacob slowly shook his head. "You can get this guy, I'll get the next."

"But you're my partner. What if he has a gun?" Edward asked.

Jacob shrugged. "I thought you were bullet-proof."

"Jacob, come on, it's for a reality show." Edward said.

"I just can't!" Jacob said. "I had an accident."

Edward stifled a laugh as he climbed back in the car. "What happened?"

Jacob looked down. "I got a little scared."

"Did you?" Edward asked.

Jacob slowly nodded.

Edward then began to laugh out loud. "Oh my God; I can't believe you peed your pants!"

"Shut up!" Jacob said.

"It doesn't matter, they got that on film!" Edward roared.

Jacob blushed as he looked into the dashboard camera. "Great, just great! I knew I shouldn't have done this stupid show!"

Just then, the guy Edward had pulled over drove off and sped out of sight.

"Oh great, look what your wet pants did." he said.

"Shut up, and drive me back to my house so I can get some dry clothes!" Jacob said.

Edward began to laugh some more, as he started the car and headed down the road.

**Deputy Whitlock-Hale-Cullen and Deputy Brandon. (Jasper and Alice)**

"I can't believe I'm a cop!" Jasper said. "Let's go find someone to shoot!"

Alice let out a giggle. "Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can go around and shoot everyone."

Jasper nodded. "I can shoot who ever I want. I'm the authority, and if no one listens they'll have to answer to me and my gun."

Alice just shook her head. "You probably shouldn't…draw blood. And it's not like you've killed anyone with a _gun _since the 1800s."

Jasper snorted. "You just wait and see."

A half hour later:

"We have been driving for nearly an hour and haven't seen any crime…is this really Seattle?" Alice asked.

Jasper sighed. "I know, I thought for sure we would get some action."

"Wait!" Alice said, as she pointed out the window. "Is that a crime?"

Jasper barely turned his head. "No," He sighed. "Just people dealing drugs."

Alice sighed and fell back in her seat.

"How about that?" Jasper asked.

Alice followed his finger to see a little 12-year-old girl being dragged into a dark alley, by an old creepy man. "Nope, just a little girl and her father."

"What about the guy over there, running out of that convenience store with a bundle of cash?" Alice asked.

"He's probably just in a hurry." Jasper said as he watched the guy run down the sidewalk.

They drove around a little bit longer, until they finally saw a crime.

"Did that guy just..._litter_?" Alice asked.

Jasper nodded. "He did!"

They eyed one another. "Let's get him!"

They both jumped out of the car, and ran to the scrawny man.

Alice pulled out her badge and flashed it, while Jasper pulled out his gun.

"Freeze! Police!" Jasper shouted.

The guy looked around, and when he noticed they weren't talking to anyone else he put his hands up. "What did…I …um, do?"

Alice lowered her badge. "You know exactly what you did."

"No…I'm sorry, I don't." The guy answered.

Jasper slowly walked to the trash that was thrown on the ground, while he held his gun directly in the guys face. "You threw that bottle on the ground, which is legal."

"_Illegal,_ sweetie." Alice corrected him.

Jasper shrugged. "Meh. Same difference."

"I'm sorry. I'll pick it up." He said as he bent over.

"DON"T MOVE!" Jasper shouted.

The guy jumped back and threw his hands over his head. "Sorry!"

"Now, you'll do as I say, and when I say it." Jasper said.

Alice smiled. "Wow! You're a good cop."

Jasper smirked. "Okay, now bend over slowly, and pick up the trash."

The guy did just that, and waited for more instructions.

"Walk over and place it in the trash can." Jasper said.

The guy fretfully walked one step to the side, and placed his garbage in the garbage bin.

Jasper lowered his gun and smiled. "Now was that so hard?"

The guy slowly shook his head.

Alice nodded. "You can go, and just think about where your garbage should go the next time you're walking the streets."

"Yes…" He said as he ran in the opposite direction.

"Good work Alice." Jasper said as they both walked to the car.

"I like being a cop!" Alice said as she climbed in the cop car.

**Deputy Swan and Deputy Cullen (Bella and Renesmee)**

"This is so much fun!" Nessie chirped as she clapped her hands.

Bella shrugged. "I don't know, we haven't even had any action yet."

Nessie smiled. "So? It's still fun to be riding in a cop car."

"What's that?" Bella asked, as she pointed out her window.

Nessie took a glance. "Someone is waving us down, pull over!"

Bella pulled the car over, and the two got out.

"I know we can do this, Ness! Police blood runs in our...er...well, you veins."

A frantic woman ran over to the two with tears in her eyes.

"What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" Bella asked, in her best cop voice.

"Oh thank God you are here! There are these bums harassing me for money!" She cried.

"Bums?" Nessie asked.

The women nodded. "Yeah, come quick!"

The pair eyed each other as they followed the woman. When they arrived they saw a guy strumming a guitar.

The guitar player looked up and smiled. "Money, from you two lovely ladies?"

Bella smiled as she reached in her pocket; pulling out a dollar bill she placed it in his case.

"Thank you." He said as he began playing some more.

The girl looked towards Bella, repulsed. "Why are you supporting this?"

"This is his way of life. He isn't doing anything wrong." Nessie replied.

"Yes, he is! He is polluting our streets with no good unsuccessful artist music!" She yelled.

"That's it miss, you are coming down town." Bella said as she began hand cuffing her.

"What! Why what did I do?" She asked. "You should be arresting the filthy…musician!"

Bella put the hands cuffs on and dragged her to the cop car. "Get in."

"But I didn't do anything!" She yelled.

Nessie looked towards her mother. "Shit, what can we say about her?"

Bella shrugged. "Um, she had drugs on her!"

Nessie smiled. "Good one, mum! This will show her not to insult my father…however indirectly!"

They both climbed in the car, with the women yelling in the back seat.

"You are the worst cops ever!" The girl shouted.

"C'est la vie." Nessie said, as she gave the woman a smirk.

"You won't get away with this!" She shouted.

"She said C'EST LA VIE!" Bella said in a firm tone.

The lady just huffed and threw herself against the seat.

**Deputy Cullen and Deputy Hale. (Emmett and Rosalie)**

"This is so cool!" Rosalie said as she started pressing random buttons in the car.

"Rose, be careful." Emmett warned her.

Rosalie looked around. "So where do you think the camera is?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I always see them on the dashboard when I watch reality shows."

Rosalie smiled towards the dashboard. "Hello America, I'm Rosalie Hale: the next big thing. Sit back, get comfy and enjoy the show."

Emmett smiled as he watched her talk to the dashboard.

"Oh a radio!" Emmett said, as he picked up the end to talk into it.

Rosalie sighed. "Leave the radio alone. It's so we can hear police calls."

"Relax, I am the police!"

Emmett pressed the button and began talking into it. "Hello, Deputy Emmett here."

"Hello, Deputy Emmett, this is deputy Bella." The radio said.

Emmett squealed with delight. "This is so cool!"

"Rosalie, say something!" Emmett said while holding the talking end in Rosalie's face.

"Not now, I'm driving," she said as she pushed Emmett's hand out of the way.

"Fine, I'll have my own fun." he said as he brought the mouthpiece back to his mouth. "This is the world's hottest vampire, calling all humans to respond."

Rosalie just shook her head, as he played around.

"This is trucker man Joe; I'm big, hairy and sexy." The radio responded.

Emmett started snorting at the response, and went to answer. "Hello big Joe, what are you wearing?"

"Emmett!" Rosalie warned.

"Shh." Emmett said as he waited for an answer.

"Clothes, but I can pull over and take them off for you if you want."

Rosalie began to laugh.

"Say something else!" Rosalie said, now interested.

Emmett laughed. "Okay, um." he took in a deep breath and changed his voice. "This is the police, and I would like anyone who is listening, to pull over, pull down their pants and bark like dog."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Now, that is just dumb. No one is going to do that."

"Is there anything else, officer?" A guy answered seriously.

Emmett eyed Rosalie with a smile. "Is it still dumb, Rosalie?"

She stifled a laugh and turned her eyes towards the radio.

Rosalie talked into the radio this time, changing her voice to sound like an innocent little girl. "Hi, this is Candy, and I'm stuck on the side of the road, only wearing a string bikini and nothing else, and I think I need someone to rub lotion on me."

"Where you at?"

"I'm on my way!"

"I'll be there in five minutes!"

Emmett laughed at all the responses.

"Okay let's take this seriously now," she said.

Emmett sighed as she put the radio down. "Okay."

Five minutes later:

"This is big Joe, is sexy Candy still out there?"

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**A/N: Review, please. I must know what you think.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Yay!! Nine reviews! LOL. Well, I'm still posting this chapter, in honor of everyone who reviews ever. This is for you.**

**Anyway, enjoy chapter 4. Fashion crimes, false alarms, diet cokes, and Jacob's revenge are plentiful.**

**CHAPTER 4**

**Deputy Whitlock-Hale-Cullen and Deputy Brandon (Jasper and Alice)**

"Okay, we will answer it." Jasper said into the radio.

"What's the crime?" Alice asked.

"There is this big prostitute corner we have to clean up." Jasper answered.

Alice scrunched up her face. "But they're not dead."

Jasper shook his head. "No…why would they be dead?"

"Well why else would they want us to clean it up?" Alice asked.

"It's illegal." Jasper said.

"But it's their way of making money." Alice began. "If we go around and arrest people for doing their jobs, pretty soon the world will be jobless."

Jasper smirked and leaned over to kiss Alice on the cheek. "Oh baby, always caring for others."

Alice smiled a little. "It's my job."

"There they are." Jasper said as he pointed to a corner, with a bunch of poorly dressed women.

They both stepped out of the car and made their way over to the group.

"Hello ladies." Jasper said in a sexy man voice.

Alice elbowed him. "Stop trying to show off."

Jasper shrugged. "I'm just playing my part in this whole police show thing."

"Is there a problem, officers?" A woman asked.

"Yes, you all know you are doing something illegal right?" Jasper asked.

All the girls looked around. "Standing on a corner is illegal?"

"When you are selling your bodies while doing it…then yes." Jasper said.

Alice leaned into the group. "Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We are going to let you off with a warning, but if we catch you again, then you are coming with us."

Alice smiled satisfied with herself until she finally registered what everyone was wearing. "Hold up!"

Jasper looked towards Alice confused. "What's wrong, does someone have a weapon?"

Alice shook her head and gave every girl standing there a dirty look. "This is a huge crime! I can't believe I almost let it slip away."

Jasper nodded. "See, I knew you would see it in 'the police way'."

"Every single one of you is coming downtown with me." Alice said.

"You think we can fit 7 people in the back?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, we will _make_ it happen." Alice said.

"But I thought you said we were getting off with a warning?" A girl in the back asked.

"Oh no honey, this is too much of a crime to just give out a warning." Alice said.

"What did we do?"

"Fashion crime." Alice said. "I can't believe what you all are wearing! And you call yourselves prostitutes?"

"Yeah!" Jasper said until he finally realized what he was agreeing with. "…Wait, what?"

"I can't let them roam the streets dressed like that." Alice said. "Their skirts aren't short enough, they aren't showing enough cleavage, and don't even get me started on their make up! What would an aspiring prostitute say if she saw them dressed like that?"

"Okay…" Jasper said unsurely. "Well, at least we cleaned up the corner, like we were asked."

"You are all going to jail, where you're going to learn how to dress more like a prostitute!" Alice said as she helped them into the back of the vehicle.

**Deputy Cullen and Deputy Hale. (Emmett and Rosalie)**

"So Rose, we have handcuffs…want to try them out tonight?" Emmett asked as he traced circles around Rosalie's hand.

"I would like to try them out on a criminal." Rosalie answered.

Emmett smiled. "Like a threesome! I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff…Edward and Bella managed it…okay, well let's find someone and bring them home."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "No, not like a threesome, more like I want to find someone and arrest them."

"Then take me home, and make sweet love to me?" Emmett asked with a hopeful smile.

"We are driving around, _trying_ to look for crimes, and all you can think about is sex?"

"Well, this is boring. The radio was fun for like two seconds, and now all we're doing is driving around. Plus looking at you in that cop uniform definitely doesn't help."

All of a sudden, a car sped past them.

"OMDE! Let's get them!" Rosalie shouted.

Emmett smiled and turned on the sirens. Rosalie reached out and grabbed the radio thing, so she could speak to the driver.

"This is the police, pull over right now." Rosalie said.

After a few minutes the guy pulled over, and they left their vehicle.

Emmett tapped on the window. "Hello sir, did you know you were speeding?"

The guy shrugged. "Was I? You know…I didn't really notice.

Rosalie looked the car over. "This _is_ a really nice car…"

The guy smiled. "Thanks, you should see the inside, its even nicer then the outside."

Rosalie smiled and leaned down so she was eye level with the driver. "I bet it is…"

"Rose!" Emmett said.

Rosalie stood up. "Right, sorry. Can you step out of the car, sir?" she asked.

The guy nodded and did as he was told.

"Have you been drinking?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah…"

"Don't you know it's illegal to drink and drive?" Rosalie asked.

The guy shrugged. "No ma'am, I didn't know it was illegal to drink a diet coke, while driving."

"Oh, he got you there." Emmett said in Rosalie's ear.

"Are you trying to be funny?" Rosalie asked. "Was that some kind of a joke?"

"No ma'am, you just asked if I had anything to drink, so I answered."

"I don't like your attitude." Rosalie said as she pulled out her handcuffs.

"You can arrest me for my attitude?" The guy asked.

She shrugged as she handcuffed him. "Well, it seems like I can do whatever I want, I'm the police, isn't that right, sir?"

"Yes, but I didn't know…" he began.

"You have the right to remain silent!" Rosalie shouted.

Emmett looked at her with an aroused smile. "Rose, I've never seen this side of you before…I like it!"

Rosalie just smiled, and pushed the guy against the car. "You want to frisk him?"

"Disgusting…no thanks!" Emmett said, making a face. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

She leaned down, and slowly began patting him down.

"Miss, I know you're the police, but can you watch your hands?" He said, grinning.

Rosalie just smiled sourly as she began feeling his leg muscles, and then she worked her way up to his sides, and arms. The guy's smile grew bigger and bigger, until Emmett stopped her.

"Okay, I think he's clean." Emmett said as he pulled the guy to the cop car.

Rosalie looked the guy over. "Wow, is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

The guy blushed as he climbed in the cop car. "I'm happy to see you…"

Rosalie rolled her eyes, as she jumped in the passenger seat. Emmett jumped behind the wheel, and they sped off towards the police station.

**Deputy Masen and Deputy Black. (Jacob and Edward)**

"Are you dry now?" Edward asked.

Jacob huffed as he climbed back into the car. "Can we please not speak of this again?"

"Sorry." Edward said, as he began driving away from the loft.

Ten minutes of silence went by, until Edward finally spoke.

"So, Jacob?"

"Yes?"

"Remember when you peed your pants?" Edward asked with a laugh.

"Shut up!" Jacob shouted.

"Sorry, I'm sorry." Edward said. "That was my last time, lets just look for some crime, and maybe you'll make it on time, when your bladder fills with lime…"

"EDWARD!"

"Sorry, it was a song… it just sort of slipped out."

"Look!" Jacob said, while pointing out the window.

Edward looked out the window to see two girls screaming and throwing food at each other. "Looks like we found a crime."

They pulled the car over, and both stepped out of the vehicle.

"What seems to be the problem?" Edward asked.

They two girls stopped, and looked Edward and Jake up and down. "She stole my boyfriend!"

"I didn't steal him, he came looking for me!" Girl number two shouted.

"And got her pregnant!" Girl number one shouted.

"Whoa, you're chucking food at a pregnant chick! That is just _low_." Jacob said.

"She deserves it!" Girl number one said as she emptied a bottle of Lemon Iced Tea Snapple over the other girl's head.

Jacob however grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back. "Come on guys chill!"

"Perhaps she does deserve it, but maybe you should wait until she has the baby to fight her." Edward said, and started laughing.

Girl number two was upset by his amusement, that she curled her fingers around a chocolate frosted cupcake. "I'll show you who deserves it!"

Before Edward could react, he saw a cupcake fly into his face. It splattered against him, leaving his entire face and even some of his hair, coated with a creamy layer of brown goo, and crumbs.

Jacob couldn't help but laugh at the sight, and before they could arrest anyone, the two girls ran down the street.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked, as he watched Edward mop himself up.

Edward pushed Jacob off of him. "What a bitch."

"You can't even eat that, right? God, I can't believe you got cake all over your face!" Jacob said with a smile. "It was on TV too!"

"Shut up." Edward said as he made his way back to the car. "At least I didn't pee my pants."

Jacob frowned a little, but then a smirk reclaimed his face. "Whatever. I'd rather pee in my pants, than have a girl nail me with a cupcake on national TV."

Edward gave him a confused look. "Not me!"

Jacob just sank in his chair, as Edward drove down the road.

"Hey, Edward?"

"_Don't say it-_"

"Remember-when-you-got-hit-by-a-cupcake?" Jacob asked, saying the words in a rush.

"Shut up!" Edward growled.

**Deputy Swan and Deputy Cullen. (Bella and Renesmee)**

"It's almost the end of they day, and all we did was yell at some random lady!" Nessie said disappointedly.

Bella shrugged. "It's Monday, Mondays are always bad work days."

"I thought I could at least shoot someone." Nessie said.

Bella frowned. "You're into the shooting thing TOO?"

Nessie nodded. "It's like my dream to shoot someone!"

Bella looked appalled. "It's your _dream_ to _shoot_ someone!? What is wrong with this family?!"

"Well, not just anyone…more like a bad person." Renesmee said. "I'm not just going to shoot someone for the fun of it… Oh pull over! I see a crime"

Bella pulled over, and they both emerged from the car. "Where at?"

"Follow me!" Nessie said as she led them into a dark alley.

When they got there, they saw about five people dealing money.

"Freeze! This is the police!" Bella said.

All of a sudden bright lights shun on the two, and the five people dealing, where huge guys, that looked like body builders.

"What you guys doing?" Nessie asked, without a care in the world.

Bella kind of sank low. "Sweetie, maybe I should handle them alone."

"Why? I'm strong too." Nessie argued.

"What seems to be the problem?" One guy asked.

"Uh nothing." Bella answered as she put his hand over her gun. "We thought you were someone else."

"Mum, what are you doing?" Nessie asked. "They are _clearly_ up to no good."

"What no good might that be?" Another guy asked.

Nessie turned around and walked over to them, ignoring Bella's protests. "Can I see what's in the briefcase?"

"Oh shit Nessie, you are going to get yourself killed!" Bella whispered, frantically.

The guys happily let Nessie take a look, and when she saw it was just clothes she walked away. "Sorry about that, boys, we will let you be."

"Thanks for understanding, officer."

Nessie winked. "Anytime." She then pulled Bella closer to her as they made their way out of the alley. "Thanks for having my back Deputy Swan."

"Did you see the size of those guys? They could have hurt you with one hand!" Bella said.

Nessie hit her playfully. "You were totally overreacting! We're cops, they have to do what we say."

"Not everyone follows the law."

Just as they climbed back into the car, there were gunshots, and fights going on in the alley they just came from. But Bella and Renesmee where so into their argument, they were unaware of it all.

**A/N: So was it funny? Stupid? Hilarious? How will I know unless you review hint hint. ( : The thing where a bottle of Lemon Iced Tea Snapple gets poured over someone's head happens to be a personal experience. Only in real life that "someone" unfortunately happened to be me.  
**

**Next chapter, everyone is switching partners. It's going to be Edward and Rosalie, Jacob and Renesmee, Bella and Alice, then Emmett and Jasper.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Something's wrong with my email account, and it's not telling me when I get reviews and alerts blah blah blah but I checked on here, and snore...the point is, I know I got reviews so YAY! Thank you! I hope Jasper and Emmett's part is as satisfying as everyone anticipates.**

Chapter 5

**Deputy Masen and Deputy Hale (Edward and Rosalie) **

As Edward drove the car, he looked into the dashboard camera and began talking. "So its day two of us being cops. We were all assigned different partners, and I am now partnered with Deputy Hale. To tell you the truth I wasn't too happy about being partnered with her, but Rosalie is usually a hardcore bitch to nice people and criminals alike, so I feel reasonably safe, and quite frankly I'm just happy I'm not with Jacob anymore."

Rosalie turned and glared at Edward. "Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm happy to know me being a bitch makes you feel safe."

Edward shrugged. "Hey, I'm just speaking the truth."

"Anyways on a more police related topic." Rosalie said, into the camera. "We just got a radio call, about something happening in the park. So Edward and I are going to go check it out."

"It's Deputy Masen." Edward corrected her.

Rosalie looked out the window and mumbled. "You're going to be DEAD-ward if you don't shut up."

"Oh, really?" Edward asked.

Rosalie smirked, "Let's just put on the sirens and go."

"Really? The sirens?" Edward asked surprised. "You're not going to pee your pants or anything?"

Rosalie looked at him confused for a second. "Pee in my pants? Wait. Jacob peed his pants, didn't he?"

Edward began laughing. "How did you guess?"

"Because it's Jacob!" Rosalie said.

They both sat there in silence for about two seconds, until they both burst out laughing and sped down the street. They arrived at the park, and both climbed out of the car.

"So what are we looking for?" Edward asked.

"An injured civilian." Rosalie answered.

"Oh _civilian_, nice choice of words." Edward said, astonished.

Rosalie scowled.

Edward chuckled silently until his eyes fell on an injured person. "Would this person happen to have an arrow stuck in his shoulder?"

Rosalie followed Edward's eyes. "I don't know lets check it out."

They both walked up to two grown men, one lying on the ground with an arrow sticking out of his shoulder, and another guy leaning over him.

"Did you guys call for the police?" Edward asked.

The non-injured guy stood up. "Uh yes, my friend is hurt."

Edward and Rosalie looked them up and down.

"Um sir, can you tell me why you are dressed like a knight, and an elf?" Rosalie asked. "I believe Halloween was over last month."

"We're playing Dungeons and Dragons." The guy answered. "I had to shoot him, or else I would have died."

Edward stifled a laugh. "Dungeons and Dragons?"

The guy looked at him with a serious look. "Yeah he was about to attack me with his sword so I defended myself with my magic arrow."

"Magic arrow?" Rosalie asked.

"Yes, magic arrow. Nobody or nothing can escape the magic arrow." The guy answered.

"Well you know your friend can press charges for that, right?" Rosalie asked.

The guy froze and looked between Edward and Rosalie.

"I was just defending myself." He finally answered.

"You were playing a game." Edward said.

"You don't understand!" The guy yelled.

"Calm down sir, I think right now _you_ need to understand your friend is hurt because of you." Rosalie said.

"You can't take me!" The guy yelled. "I'm the miraculous elf, nobody can take me!"

"Calm down sir, or this will get ugly." Edward warned.

"You can't get me!" The guy yelled as he began running away. "I'm wearing a coat of escaping!"

"Come back here!" Edward yelled.

"I'm wearing a coat of escaping!"

Edward and Rosalie looked towards each other and rolled their eyes.

"Let's just get this guy to the hospital. We will find him later." Rosalie said.

**Deputy Black and Deputy Cullen. (Renesmee and Jacob) **

"We got a call about some guy dealing drugs on his front lawn." Renesmee said into the camera. "So Jake and I are going to go take care of it."

Jacob pulled up to a house where a guy was watering his garden.

"Sir." Nessie called out.

The guy looked Jacob and Nessie over.

"Is there a problem, officers?"

Jacob nodded. "Yeah. We heard that you're selling legal drugs."

"Jake, I think it's _illegal_." Nessie said.

Jacob shook his head. "No it's legal."

Nessie shrugged. "Whatever."

"I am doing no such thing." The guy answered.

"May we please search your house, sir?" Jacob asked

"Don't be polite." Nessie said to Jacob, and then looked back towards the guy. "We're searching your house!"

The guy turned to face the two, with his hose spraying towards them. Nessie and Jacob froze in their tracks.

"Put down the hose, sir!" Nessie yelled.

"This hose?" The guy yelled as he sprayed the water a little closer to the two.

"Yes, that hose!" Jacob finally yelled, shielding Renesmee.

"You don't want to get wet?" The guy asked.

"No, now put it down, already!" Nessie shrieked.

The guy smiled, and then slopped water over the two of them.

"We said _put down the hose, you bastard_!" Nessie yelled, as she took out her gun.

"You're really going to shoot this guy over a hose?" Jacob asked.

"I'm a police officer; I can do whatever I want!" Nessie declared.

"Okay, okay…I'll put the hose down." The guy said. While he slowly placed the hose on the ground, he leisurely started reaching for something else.

"Put your hands in the air, sir!" Jacob yelled.

The guy quickly grabbed his item, and held it up.

This time, it was Jacob who was quick to grab his gun, and point it at the man. "Put down the decorative garden gnome sir!"

"You're really going to shoot this guy for holding a gnome?" Nessie asked.

Jacob shrugged. "They freak me out."

Finally, they tackled the guy and found no signs of drugs even after searching for an entire hour.

"Damn! I really wanted to take him in." Jacob said.

"Well, he did have a weapon…two to be precise." Nessie said.

"That is true." Jacob said. "Good thinking, Ness!"

So Nessie and Jacob handcuffed the guy and threw him in the back seat.

"You're going to arrest me for holding a hose and a gnome?" The guy asked.

Renesmee and Jacob just ignored him as they drove to the police station.

**Deputy Swan and Deputy Brandon. (Bella and Alice) **

"This is kind of boring." Bella said as they drove down the street.

Alice sighed. "Just a little."

They drove around for a bit longer until Alice got a bright idea.

"I know!" Alice said as she pulled the cop car over. "Let's get our nails done."

Bella frowned, but then gave in, "Yeah, sure. I'm already bored out of my skull."

They both jumped out of the car and headed for a beauty shop.

"Wait." Bella said before they entered. "We don't have any money on us."

Alice stopped but then smiled. "We're cops! They have to give it to us."

Bella shrugged in defeat. "That's true."

Alice walked in and up to the counter.

"Two free manicures please." Alice said.

The girl looked them over, and then smiled. "Anything for our cops."

As they both sat inside, getting their nails done, there was a robbery across the street. All the customers looked towards Alice and Bella, waiting to see if they were going to do anything.

Alice shrugged. "One of the other Deputies will catch him."

Bella nodded. "Yeah, and maybe the robber needed the money."

"Want to go shopping after this?" Alice asked.

Bella sighed. "Yeah, sure. I guess I need new shoes to go with this uniform."

Twenty minutes later, they both walked out of the shop and went shopping.

"Wait." Alice said as she noticed something wrong. "Isn't that a parking violation?"

Bella studied the car, it was parked in two parking spaces, and the back end was sticking out. "Yes I think it is."

Alice smiled. "Let's write it a ticket!"

Bella clapped. "Okay, I haven't fought a real crime yet."

They both pulled out a pad of paper and began writing.

"What are the police terms for this?" Alice asked, as she held the pen to the paper.

Bella shrugged. "Um…back is sticking out, and your fat ass jeep is taking up two parking spaces, next time leave room for other people, signed the police."

Alice nodded as she wrote down every word. "Sounds good!"

They stuck it on the car, and walked away.

Bella and Alice slapped hands. "Another round of justice served!"

**Deputy Whitlock Hale Cullen and Deputy Cullen (Jasper and Emmett) **

"So you're telling me you would never do Aunt Jemima?" Emmett asked.

Jasper stared straight ahead as he drove. "No, maybe if she was a vampire, but even then, I could never leave Alice."

"But it's Aunt Jemima!" Emmett shouted.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "What's with you and Aunt Jemima?"

Emmett shrugged. "She is hot, and I used to love pancakes as a human, and she just so happens to go perfectly with them. You know what I'd do? Take her to my bed, pour syrup on her, and lick it off."

"That is disgusting!" Jasper said. "If you're going to lick anything off of anyone, or even talk about it, then say you're going to lick blood off of her. Not syrup, that is just nasty!"

"Whatever. Let's go hunt a little. All this talk about syrup made me thirsty." Emmett said.

"I'm down with that." Jasper agreed.

After a quick stop at a nearby forest preserve, they hid in a bush so they could catch speeders.

"Now we're real cops." Emmett said.

Jasper laughed.

Just as they were laughing, a car drove by.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "That was, like, the tenth non-speeding car, this is boring!"

Jasper shrugged. "Want to get them anyways?"

Emmett smiled. "Hell yeah. Turn on the sirens!"

As they chased the car down the road, Emmett picked up the radio. "Did you know you can talk into this, and the people outside the car can hear you?"

Jasper nodded. "Cool, now we won't have to get out of the car."

Emmett smiled and talked into the radio. "Pull over!"

The guy in front of them kept driving.

"I SAID PULL OVER, ASSHOLE!" Emmett shouted.

Finally he pulled over, and stepped out of the car.

Jasper took the radio out of Emmett's hand. "Step out of the car!"

The guy slowly stepped out of the car. "What did I do?"

"Let's have fun with this." Emmett said as he took the radio back. "Put your hands in the air, sir!"

"I'd like to know what I did." He said as he raised his hands.

"Now bend over, and put your hands on your butt." Emmett finished.

Jasper chuckled as he took the radio back. "And moo like the silly little fool you are!"

The guy's face flushed, but he did everything they told him.

Jasper and Emmett laughed their asses off as another car pasted them.

They eyed each other.

"Our next victim!" Emmett shouted with joy.

Jasper started up the car, and then sped down the street, leaving the guy mooing.

**A/N: REVIEW. Please?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you to: when night calls, lunaeclipse1210, and cullendrive for reviewing. I was wondering if the Aunt Jemima and garden gnome stuff was actually funny, or if it was just a combination of me and Red Bull after an hour of looking at pictures of step up transformers. But now I know. Because you reviewed. And I love you!! I tried something new for this chapter. Hope you like it.  
**

Chapter 6

**All Eight of Them**

"So what do we do?" Bella quietly asked, while standing outside a grungy house, facing the other seven.

Jasper pulled out his gun. "We take action."

Alice then giggled. "You whip out that gun, Officer!"

"Alice, we are doing a bust, so _please_ try and act like a cop." Edward begged.

Emmett quietly snuck past everyone, and made his way to the front door. "Is everyone ready?"

"No." Rosalie whispered in a loud sort of way. "Just what exactly are we busting these people for? I mean it must be something big if this needs all eight of us."

Jacob nodded as he stepped forwards. "Blondie over there is right; I want to know what I'm dealing with before I go inside. What if they're dealing nuclear weapons or it's a vampire in there or something?"

"Who cares? Even if we weren't cops, _we_ are vampires! And there are eight of us. We could kill another vampire." Emmett explained.

"We'll be fine." Renesmee assured them. "I'm sure the Sheriff wouldn't put us up to it unless he didn't think we could do it."

"Yeah, listen to Nessie." Emmett said.

"So we're doing this?" Bella asked.

"Yes." Jasper answered for them, as he got in cop mode and joined Emmett at the front door.

"On my count, we kick it open." he declared.

Emmett nodded, but then shook his head. "Why not on my count?"

"I'm more of a cop than you." Jasper answered.

"Uh, I don't think so."

"So do you ladies want to stand out here and argue, or go in and bust a killer?" Rosalie asked with her gun flaring about.

Jasper and Emmett cleared their throats, and then they both proceed to count.

"_One_……_two_……"

"THREE!" Rosalie shouted as she ran towards the door, successfully kicking it open.

"ROSALIE!" Everyone shouted.

"That was my entrance!" Jasper and Emmett both whined.

"You idiots were taking too long." Rosalie argued from inside the house.

Emmett shook his head as he ran in after her. "That girl is going to get me killed one day!"

Jasper began chuckling as he swung an arm around Alice and they both entered as if they owned the place.

Bella ran to the front door quickly grabbing Edward's hand, leaving a poor defenseless Jacob alone with Nessie.

"Jacob, Nessie…you sure you want to come?" Bella called out.

"Yeah…" Nessie answered nervously.

Soon all eight were in the house searching for any bad news.

"You guys…I thought I heard something from behind that door." Jacob said pointing to a door to his right.

Everyone turned to face him.

"Well then check it out." Alice said.

"Um… yah. Okay." Jacob said.

They slowly walked closer to the door, his heart pounding every second, as he got closer; finally he made it, and placed his hand on the doorknob.

"WAIT!" Alice shouted. "Draw your weapon."

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Draw your weapon!"

"Draw? I don't have any paper." Jacob said.

Rosalie stifled a laugh. "And you all think I'm the dumb blonde."

"Pull out your gun, moron!" Edward said.

"Oh." Jacob nodded while taking it out with a shaky hand. He then proceeded to open the door carefully. "Oh, that's _nasty_."

Nessie was quickly by his side. "What is it?"

Everyone watched as the two stood in the doorway gazing at what was before them. Soon everyone else was gazing with them.

"Is that a…?" Bella began.

"…Hot tub full of blood!" Emmett answered.

"Let's swim in it!" Alice suggested.

"We can't…its evidence." Edward said.

"Sorry Mr. Detective." Jasper teased.

"Do we call the sheriff?" Jacob asked.

Bella nodded. "I think so."

"No one is going to be calling the Sheriff." A voice from behind them said.

"Says who?" Jacob asked without taking his eyes off the money.

"Emmett?"

"Yes, Rose?"

"Why are you poking my back?"

Emmett, who was standing three people down from her scrunched up his face. "I'm not…I'm not even standing next to you."

Rosalie nodded with confusion. "Oh…okay."

"It's me." The voice answered.

Everyone turned their head to answer the voice all letting out gasps when they saw what was happening. James emerged from the shadows.

"I'm holding you hostage." He said as he roughly pulled Rosalie away from the group.

"Oh shit!" Rosalie whimpered. "Why me?! I'm too pretty to die! Take Jacob! He's a werewolf."

"Rose!" Nessie whined while hiding behind Jacob.

"Sorry! I'm just trying to safe my life." Rosalie explained as she felt the teeth press up against her jugular. "Emmett, save me!"

Jasper slowly leaned into Edward. "You're getting this on film?"

Edward only nodded as he tried to keep his focus on Rosalie.

"It already is on film…it's a reality show." A random camera guy said, but everyone ignored him.

"Okay huddle!" Emmett said pulling everyone into a group hug.

"What do we do?" Jacob asked.

"Save Rosalie." Bella said in a frantic tone.

"I think we already established that when she got kidnapped." Alice said.

"Any ideas?" Nessie asked.

Everyone glanced towards one another until finally they broke the five-second silence.

"I got nothing." Edward declared.

"Me neither." Jasper said while straightening his back.

"I guess we play it by ear?" Jacob asked.

They all nodded as they broke apart from their group huddle.

"Well?" James asked with a smirk.

"Well…um…let her go!" Edward shouted.

He then began laughing. "You are the worst cops ever."

"Oooh." Rosalie said with a smug smile. "Don't you dare push that gun any harder."

"Rose…you're a hostage, how do you turn that sexual?" Alice asked.

Rosalie shrugged. "It's my gift, I suppose."

"Well stop…or I'm not going to save you." Emmett warned.

"Come on!" Rosalie shouted. "Please."

"Ouch…my ear." James complained.

"Good luck with the whole hostage thing." Edward said. "Because you definitely picked the worst one to hold."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rosalie asked, appalled.

Edward shrugged.

"Wait, I have an idea!" Nessie said. "Give us Rosalie back or else we will…umm." She looked from the hot tub full of blood, back to Rosalie. "Or else Jacob will pee into your blood!"

Alice jumped up and down clapping. "Good one, Ness!"

Nessie grinned brightly. "Just thinking like a cop."

"You wouldn't" James said, his eyes narrowing.

Jacob began unzipping his pants. "Wouldn't I?"

James eyed him.

"Wouldn't I?" Jacob asked again, this time undoing his belt buckle.

"OK! Here! Take your stupid girl and give me my blood!" James snarled while pushing Rosalie towards the group.

"Watch it! I'm not some sort of cheap werewolf you can just treat like your property." Rosalie said while throwing her arms around Emmett.

"Hey!" Jacob complained, "I offered to _pee_ for you!"

Before James could make a move, Edward and Jasper successfully and surprisingly handcuffed him.

"Did you get that on film?" Bella asked before dragging him to the squad car.

"Yup!"

"Well, that was fun." Jacob said as he began leaving the house.

"No, it wasn't! I almost died!" Rosalie cried out while hiding her face in Emmett's shoulder.

"That was the fun part." Jacob clarified.

Alice grabbed Jasper's hand. "It was fun! Besides, it was James. We take him down all the time."

"Well, do we get, like, a prize for getting him?" Bella asked.

"I don't think so. Seeing how we always manage to do it." Edward said.

"Well that sucks."

All of a sudden Nessie ran up to the others.

"We have another radio call involving all eight of us! Let's go!" She yelled before she ran back to the car.

Rosalie sighed. "Again? We _just_ served and protected."

"It's our job…and this time I'll protect you." Emmett assured her.

"Okay let's go!" Rosalie said.

Soon after all eight of them were speeding down the highway to answer their next radio call.

**A/N: Please review. I checked Reader Traffic and like...50 people read this story. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm not sure that what happens to Rosalie in this chapter is possible or not. Obviously, it can't be a dream. But if Rosalie really gets distracted by reflective surfaces (it says so in Midnight Sun, btw), then I guess what she's thinking about isn't totally improbably. Oh well. The point is to be funny, and not cater to vampire abilities, as much.**

Chapter 7

**Jasper and Emmett**

Jasper pulled up to a hospital, putting the police car in park, him and Emmett now exiting the vehicle. They walked towards the blood bank.

"You think they'll do it?" he asked Emmett.

He shrugged just as they entered the restaurant. "It's worth a shot."

Jasper smirked as he pulled up his belt, and ran his hand through his hair. "If they don't…I'll shoot em!"

Emmett chuckled, while he pulled open the door. "Take it easy, we're cops now, they have to give it to us."

Jasper nodded as he walked past Emmett and into the hospital. "What's up, Eric?" he called out to a geeky teenager behind the reception desk.

"Jasper…Emmett…what brings you here?" Eric asked.

"We're cops now." Emmett said as he sat down on a chair.

Eric looked the two up and down, nodding his head none stop. "I can see that…"

Jasper leaned against the bar. "Eric, tell me something…do you like free things?"

Eric the blood bank's intern stood up straight, placing his hands together. "I love them…who doesn't?"

Emmett eyed Jasper with a smirk. "You know what feels good?"

"What?" Eric asked, a confused smile hitting his face.

"Free stuff…" Emmett supplied.

Eric nodded. "Yeah…free stuff does feel pretty good…"

"You know what else is good to have?" Jasper asked. "Blood."

Eric nodded again, his eyes glued to the floor. "Yeah, blood is good too."

"Now put those two words together." Emmett said.

"Blood free?" Eric asked.

"Switch them around." Jasper said.

"Free blood?" Eric asked again.

"Exactly." Emmett said.

"Free blood? Seriously? Maybe that would be pretty cool, but where would you find a place that gives blood away? Why do you need it anyway? Is someone in your family hurt?" Eric asked.

Jasper sighed. "Listen dude, we need some free blood…for um, a modern art project. We're cops now; you should give back to us!"

"I want free blood for art projects too…if I was a cop I would be doing the same thing as you guys." Eric said, as he started filling out a few forms.

"Eric! You work here! Give us some free blood." Jasper whined.

"Way to stay cool, man." Emmett said patting Jasper on the back.

"Whatever." Jasper said. "Let's go somewhere else."

Emmett just eyed the intern, and then followed Jasper out the door.

**Jacob, Renesmee, Edward, and Bella**

"What do we have here?" Jacob asked as he walked in a store with Nessie behind him.

"Robbery." Bella answered, as she took in her surroundings, where everything was broken, and scattered everywhere.

"Aw that sucks." Nessie said as she skipped over everything, making sure she wouldn't step on anything.

"Where's Edward?" Bella asked.

"Right here." he said as he backed out from behind a counter with his camera in hand.

"Dad, put the camera down." Nessie said. "We're on duty."

"It's evidence." Edward argued.

Nessie sighed, and then looked towards Bella. "So where are the owners?"

"They fled out of the store when the robbery took place." she explained.

"I found the whole thing on tape." Edward said holding up the camera.

Nessie eyed Edward, and then Bella. "Wait a second. You found a tape of the owners running out of the store?"

Bella and Edward both nodded.

"Actually, I made it," Edward clarified.

Nessie shook her head. "And the owners left the store, while the robbery was taking place?"

"Yes." Bella said. "Jeez you sound like a lawyer."

"Where were you two while this was being filmed?" Renesmee asked.

"Right outside the store." Edward said.

"And as cops…you did nothing to stop this?" Nessie asked.

Edward and Bella both eyed each other, and then shrugged.

"I guess we kind of forgot we were cops…" Bella said.

"_Mum_!? Even you? _You_ out of all people?" Nessie asked bewildered. "I thought you were the sensible one in this family!"

"Sorry…I guess Edward's voice-hearing thing is rubbing off on me." Bella said.

"That's not the only part of him that is." Jacob snickered, causing a smile to spread across Bella's lips, and Renesmee to shudder.

"Well, Jake…its looks like me and you are the only smart ones around here." Nessie said, as she looked behind her shoulder to try and see him, but he wasn't there. "Jake?"

"Hey you guys look!" Jake said with surprise as he opened the cash register. "They left without the money…lets take it!"

Nessie shook her head, smacking her forehead with her hand. "I'm surrounded by retards."

**Rosalie and Alice**

Rosalie walked into the police station, down the hall, and into an office. "Alice?" she called out, but she was nowhere to be found.

Rosalie then turned around to see Edward smiling back at her. "Hey Ed, have you seen Alice, we're supposed to go patrolling."

Edward grinned wider as he walked closer to her. "Nope…but I found what I'm looking for."

"Oh yeah, and what's that?" Rosalie asked, a suspicious tone coloring her words.

"You." Edward said pushing Rosalie up against the desk, now handing cuffing her to a handle.

"Me?" Rosalie asked a bit shocked.

Edward nodded, while leaning in close. "You…"

Rosalie smirked. "So you've finally noticed…but…Well; now I'm with Emmett…and you're with Bella."

"No, no." Edward said as he placed his finger over Rosalie's lips. "I didn't ask you to speak."

Rosalie just nodded as she tugged on the handcuffs, which broke. Her eyes were now wide, as Edward leaned in closer.

"ROSALIE!" Alice shouted, causing the blonde to jolt.

"What?" Rosalie asked irritated, and now frowning when she noticed she was just having a very realistic day dream about Edward. "Great! Thank you Alice." Rosalie began bitterly. "Thanks for ruining my hot fantasy about Edward."

"About _Edward_? Wait a sec…You were sleeping? That's impossible!" Alice cried, absolutely stunned.

Rosalie shook her head. "Not exactly…Didn't' I _say_ that I was…daydreaming. The point is that it was just getting good too!"

"Rose!" Alice shouted, no longer acknowledging the topic of the "dream". "You're driving!"

"What?" Rosalie asked, now noticing she was sitting behind a steering wheel. "Oh shit!"

After about two seconds, Rosalie managed to get control of the car, and the two began to laugh.

"That was close…" Rosalie said, as she kept her eyes on the road.

Alice giggled. "Very…were you really thinking about Edward? Don't you think he's sorta annoying?"

"Um…"Rosalie's eyes shifted nervously.

"Oh, hey, wait!" Alice began. "Close your eyes; you have something on your eye lid.

Rosalie nodded while she closed her eyes, totally forgetting that she was driving again, and apparently Alice did too, because she pulled Rosalie's face towards her, and tried to pick a piece of white fuzz off of Rosalie's closed eyes, all while they were driving.

Suddenly there was honking, and that jolted Rosalie away from Alice. "Oh shit again!"

"Why did you do that to me?" Rosalie whined once she got control over the car again.

Alice shrugged while she leaned back in her seat. "We're vampire cops…we can do anything…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: I also want to say that when I write about Renesmee, I'm totally making stuff up. She's got no personality whatsoever in Breaking Dawn, and how is anyone supposed to know what she'd be like later on in life? Yeah...this is just me giving her some character and stuff.**

**REVIEW. I must know what everyone thinks!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Is this really that OOC?? C'mon people! I'm just trying to be funny!  
But thanks for reviewing, all the same.**

CHAPTER 8

**Emmett and Jasper**

"I'm thirsty." Jasper complained as he and Emmett roamed the streets.

"Want to go to the zoo?" Emmett asked. "I'm sure we can get into the animal enclosures for free."

Jasper eyed him with uncertainty. "Why do you say that?"

Emmett tapped his gun. "We're cops."

Jasper face softened, his eyes now taking in the uniform. "Oh shit man, I totally forgot we were still doing this…"

"Well come on lets go try some free animals!" Emmett smiled, and the two headed in the direction of the local zoo.

About three hours later, the two exited the zoo after sampling countless endangered species. As they were walking towards the car which was parked outside a 7Eleven store, Emmett's eyes fell on a random girl.

"Hey, Jazz…don't we know that girl?" Emmett asked while pointing.

Jasper took in the stranger, his face brightening up. "I think we do."

Just as they were pondering who the girl was, she walked up to them so she could go inside the7Eleven.

"Excuse me miss." Emmett called out causing the girl to turn around.

"Yes." She answered.

"You look familiar." Jasper pointed out.

The girl smirked. "Is that like a pick up line?"

"No, you really do look familiar, have I seen you before?" he asked.

The girl shrugged. "I don't know where you hang out."

"Forks?" Emmett offered.

The girl shook her head. "No…never been there before."

"La Push?" Jasper asked.

"Nope." The girl said her head then popped up with a smile. "Do you know Johnny?"

Emmett eyed Jasper. "Is he emo? Or a cutter?"

Jasper returned Emmett's look with a dirty one. "You think all people who are emo and cut themselves have a club or something?" The he smiled towards the girl. "Nope, don't know Johnny."

"I don't know…maybe I just have one of those faces." The girl smiled.

"Yeah, that's probably it." Emmett said. "Well sorry to bother you, have a good, and safe day."

"Thanks, bye!" The girl chirped and then rushed into the store.

"She was nice." Jasper smiled as they began walking.

However, just as they were about to jump back into their car, they heard the girl shouting in the store.

"EVERYONE PUT THEIR HANDS UP!" The girl shouted.

Jasper and Emmett worriedly eyed each other.

"Wanted poster!" They both shouted, and then ran into 7Eleven to capture the criminal.

**Renesmee and Jacob**

"Nessie pull over; I think I see a crazy guy on drugs." Jacob pointed out.

Nessie looked out the window, her eyes landing on a guy who was running around in circles, with his mouth open.

"Wow…weird people in this place." Nessie mumbled, while she pulled the car over.

"Excuse me sir." Nessie called out as they approached the guy. The guy quickly stopped what he was doing and stared straight ahead.

"Hello officers…how are you today?" The guy asked.

"We're good, how are you feeling today?" Nessie asked.

The guy shrugged. "I could be better…"

"Are you under the influence, sir?" Jacob asked.

The guy eyed Jacob, his face beaming with delight. "No…but I'd like to be under the influence of you…"

Jacob cringed while Nessie stifled a laugh.

"You're not on any drugs?" Nessie asked.

"I sure am not." He answered while slapping Jake's ass.

"Hey!" Jacob squealed while he jumped and hid behind Nessie. "There will be no touching of the officers…"

"It's my way of saying hello." He said.

Nessie pushed him away from Jacob. "Well, think of another way!"

The guy stepped back raising his hands in defense. "Hey, hey, hey no touching me…like I said…it was my way of saying hello."

"Sir…you must tell me the truth. Are you on drugs?" Nessie asked.

"No…" He nervously replied. "But I can tell you what I am on..."

"What is that?" Jacob asked, while still keeping a safe distance.

"Skittles…" He replied. "I'm on Skittles…you should try them."

"By skittles do you mean, crack?" Nessie asked.

"No…but I do have a butt crack…" He giggled.

"Not funny, sir!" Nessie yelled.

"Hey…be nice…or I wont give you any of my skittles." He then eyed Jacob and smiled. "I will give you some though."

Jacob weakly smiled while he grabbed Nessie and pulled her in front of him.

"Dude, you can't hide from me…I'll find you." He said.

Nessie then moved out of the way, exposing Jacob. The guy lunged at Jacob, grabbing his leg.

Nessie smothered a giggle.

"Ness… help me…" Jacob whimpered, while he tried to run away.

**Rosalie and Edward**

"Drunk driver. Pull him over." Rosalie demanded while she filed her fingernails.

"How did you…" Edward asked amazed, his eyes moving from Rosalie who was paying no attention to anything, and then to the car in front of them who was swerving in and out of the lanes. Edward just shrugged and turned his sirens on, successfully pulling the guy over.

"Step out of the car sir." Edward said, once he was at the window.

"What…why…." The guy slurred his words. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Just please step out of the vehicle." Edward ordered.

The guy stepped out, his body swaying back and forth.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Edward asked.

"Nothing…" They guy said with a hiccup.

"It doesn't smell like nothing." Edward said.

"I swear!" He said. "Trust me…do I look like I would drink and drive?"

"By the way you're swaying and slurring your words, I would say yes." Edward replied.

"Oh come on…you're only basing it on two facts."

"I know how we can tell." Rosalie chimed in while skipping to the car, "Edward, what's he thinking about?"

Edward and the guy looked towards Rosalie with questioning looks.

"Um…cheesecake…and Harry Potter," Edward rubbed his temples, "Look, Rosalie! I can't tell! His thoughts are as muddled as his words."

Rosalie frowned first, and then she smiled, "Hm…there _is_ another way…"

"How?" Edward asked.

Rosalie smirked. "Bring him to the back of the car."

Edward sighed, but did as he was told. "Okay…so now what?"

"Okay tough guy, repeat everything I do." Rosalie said to the driver.

"Okay…"

She smiled and then started dancing, while speaking in a rhythm. "Heel to toe, heel to toe."

"Easy…" The guy said, he then mocked Rosalie's moves, while speaking the same way. "Heel to toe, heel to toe."

Rosalie clapped. "Wow very good. Let's try another."

She stood in position again, and then began. "Heel to toe, heel to toe, touch your nose and shake your hips."

"Easy!" The guy said, and then did the same thing.

Rosalie watched on in delight, her eyes then caught Edward, who was doing the same moves.

"Tada!" The guy said. "Okay…can we stop now? I'm really wasted."

Rosalie laughed. "Aha! I caught you."

"Oh man…shit no, I mean…I- oh fine. Take me to the drunk tank." The guy said.

"Twinkle toes, cuff him." Rosalie grinned towards Edward who was caught off guard in a dance move.

"Yeah sure…" Edward cringed, and then dragged the guy to the cop car.

**A/N: I couldn't think of anything for Alice and Bella in this chapter. Sorry. Two more chapters to go. Then I'm sending them to Las Vegas! HINT HINT.  
**

**REVIEW. Let me know what you think. **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I think that there will always be gay guys hitting on Jacob. Thanks for reviewing!! I updated quickly this time...  
**

**CHAPTER 9**

**Jacob and Edward**

"So what do you think the disturbance is?" Edward asked as him and Jacob walked up the hotel stairs.

"I don't know." Jacob answered.

Edward nervously played with his fingers. "Do you think it will be dangerous?"

"Shouldn't you know?"

"Do you think we will need to draw our guns?"

Jacob stopped, his head slowly turned towards Edward with an annoyed expression. "I don't _know_…I know even less that you know, so stop asking me stupid questions!"

"Oooookay…." Edward said with his hands raised in defense. "Sorry for being curious and stuff…"

Jacob just shot him a look, his head then turned back around and they began walking up the stairs again.

When they reached the floor, they both slowly began walking towards the room they were told about. Quickly they heard screams coming from down the hall.

"This way!" Jacob whispered, and then ran off with out Edward.

Edward swallowed hard; he didn't want to play cops anymore. The sound coming from that room, sounded like someone was being murdered. Blood…

"Edward, come on!" Jacob demanded.

Edward slowly caught up with Jacob, the shrieks only getting louder by the second. "Holy shit I'm going to lose it…"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "You're not…now on the count of three I'm going to break the door open, and we're both going to run in with our guns out."

Edward slowly nodded. "Okay."

Jacob put his hand over his gun, and then began to count. "One…two…three!"

After the countdown was done, Jacob kicked the door open and ran inside with his gun drawn. Edward surprisingly followed behind, but instead of drawing his gun, he pulled out his flashlight.

"Freeze!" Jacob said, his gun now pointing towards the bed where two people lied under the blankets, his eyes then landed on Edward. "Your gun, not your flashlight! Dammit, why do I always have to get paired up with you?!"

Edward tried his hardest not to smile as he lowered his flashlight, his eyes now glued on the couple lying in bed before him. "I think me being your partner is going to be the least of your worries once you take a look at this…"

"What…" Jacob said his focus now shifting to the cause of the screams. "Leah!"

Leah blushed while she clutched the sheets closer to her chest. "Hi Jake…"

"And Mike Newton." Edward amusingly added.

Mike shyly waved.

"You're the one who has been 'disturbing the peace'?" Jacob asked.

Leah shrugged. "I'm a loud screaming you know that…"

Jacob shook his. "I can't believe this!"

**Bella and Renesmee**

"Look at that…" Nessie smirked as her eyes caught two teenager boys suspiciously running into an alley. "Let's go scare them."

Bella's eyes lit up. "Okay."

The teenagers huddled in the alley, the both of them acting like big shots as they prepared their newly purchased crack.

"What do we have here?" Nessie asked with a sly grin.

The two kids looked up to see Nessie and Bella standing there with clubs in their hands.

"Nothing…" The one kid quickly replied.

Bella raised her eyebrows as she took in the stuff in their hands. "Doesn't look like nothing…"

"Is that…" Nessie trailed.

"It is…" Bella answered. "Drug possession."

"But we…" The one kid tried.

"Nope sorry, we caught you…" Bella said, she and Nessie now walking closer.

Nessie nodded. "Next time why don't you try to hide it a little better…like in your shoe, or up your sleeve."

"Or if you're going to do it in an alley, at least know how to prepare it properly." Bella added her face then scrunched up. "I mean look at that mess…you're doing it all wrong." She snorted. "What amateurs. You're not going to get high if you do it like that..."

"You know what else I heard feels good?" Nessie asked. "When you drink alcohol while you're getting high."

Bella looked at the two kids. "You boys drink?"

"No miss…we're only seventeen." One teenager replied.

"Just go to a forger and buy a fake ID and get some beer. You look old enough." Nessie suggested.

"Well anyway guys, it was nice talking to you." Bella said while standing up, Nessie now standing with her. "But we have to get going; we have to protect the streets."

Nessie nodded. "Yeah so have fun there…and don't go to college," she added with a wink.

"Yeah, not going was the best decision of my life. I nearly died!" Bella added, and then she and Nessie walked away, the both of them totally forgetting why they cornered the boys in the first place

**Jasper and Alice **

Alice talked on the radio, answering a police call while Jasper drove. Finally Alice put the radio down, confirming the call.

"Alright honey, there is an abandon police car parked behind an alley on Avenue B. They want us to go check it out."

Jasper nodded. "A police car?"

"Yeah I guess it's been parked there for while now…almost three hours. Witness says there had been some movement, but nobody ever exited the vehicle."

"Okay. This situation calls for the sirens!" Jasper said, his hand reached up and turned on the sirens.

The two quickly arrived on the site, both of them now approaching the car slowly.

Jasper stood up on his tip toes, trying to peer in.

"See anything?"

He shook his head. "No…I think we have to move in closer…"

"Okay." Alice said

As they began moving, they heard moans, causing them to stop.

"What the hell…Alice, just look into the future and tell me what's going on!" Jasper said.

"I'm scared. I don't want to 'look'!" Alice said while wrapping her arms around Jasper's arm.

"It's okay; I guess…we have guns…"

"It's a cop car…." Alice whispered, but Jasper didn't listen and he kept walking towards the car.

Finally he reached the car; he's eyes peering into the backseat. "Oh my God!"

"What?" Alice asked with fear.

"Relax Alice…it's just Rosalie and Emmett." Jasper said while he tapped on the window.

Emmett and Rosalie both looked up, the two of them now caught with out any clothes on.

"Hi!" Emmett chirped with a huge grin.

Rosalie's face quickly fell her hand then reached down, and she pulled a random blanket around their bodies.

Alice then looked inside, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "Wow, I never thought I would see Emmett in this position. Em…you're on top…I thought Rose was the topper?"

Rosalie's eyes then shifted up to her arm where it was handcuffed to the door handle. "Emmett made me get a little kinky."

"Oh…" Jasper and Alice both nodded.

"Well, hurry up and finish, people are calling in about the random cop car parked behind the alley." Jasper stated.

"Buh bye." Alice chirped while she and Jasper walked away.

**A/N: Bella and Edward can't work together. They'd never get anything done. But unlike with the other couples, it wouldn't be funny. If you ask me. ONE MORE CHAPTER.  
**

**REVIEW. Let me know what you think. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! It's been a fun ten chapters. This is the longest story I've ever written...well, You Know You're Obsessed With Twilight is longer, but it's not a story. Anyway, read and love this final chapter. I hope it's good.  
**

**Chapter 10**

**All of them**

"What do we have here?" Jasper asked with a giant grin.

"Pot." Rosalie smirked.

"Fresh pot." Emmett added.

All eight of them climbed into the trailer, their eyes taking in the growing plants that surrounded it.

"They're everywhere…" Nessie said with astonishment.

"The more for us to sell…I mean take in for evidence." Jacob said.

"First, we have to take those guys in." Bella pointed out, her fingers waving at the two criminals that were growing the stuff.

"Edward!" Alice said. "You've proven yourself to be the best cop out of all of us…so go and well you know…cop."

Edward sighed. "Fine…"

Edward had success cuffing the first guy, but when it came time for the second one, it didn't go exactly like he had planed.

"Don't come any closer!" Guy number two yelled.

"Oh shit he has a gun!" Alice squealed and then hid behind Jasper.

"Everyone scatter!" Jacob shouted while grabbing Nessie by the arm and pulling her under a table with him.

"Rosalie! I'll save you this time!" Emmett cried while throwing himself into a protective position in front of her.

Bella didn't say anything as she wrapped her arms around Edward and held on for dear life.

Once again, Edward sighed. "You idiots! We're all voraciously strong mythical creatures!"

Nobody moved.

"Andwe've got guns too!" Edward reminded, looking exasperated.

"Oh yeah…" Jasper said while pulling his out. "I've been waiting to use this for the longest time!"

"He probably doesn't even know how." Guy number one said from his handcuffed position in a chair.

Guy number two laughed while he pointed his weapon. "I'm going to shoot each and everyone of – OW!"

Everyone froze when there was a gunshot. The bullet pierced through the guy's shoulder, causing him to drop his own gun.

"Rosalie!" Jasper shouted. "I was supposed to shoot him!"

Rosalie shrugged. "Well what the fuck did you want me to do? Stand here and wait for _him_ to shoot _me_!?"

"I was going to save you!" Emmett yelled.

"Well, it took you long enough!" Rosalie shot back.

"Now I'm never going to get to shoot someone." Jasper whined. "Alice, yell at her!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "How could you, Rose? …How could you shoot that guy and save our lives!" She yelled sarcastically.

Jasper huffed, Alice shook her head.

"Shoot that guy…" Jacob suggested once he crawled out from under the table, his finger pointing towards guy number one.

"Jake…he didn't do anything." Nessie said.

Jacob shrugged. "Nobody has to know that."

A wicked smile grew on Jasper's face. "Can I?"

"No…" Emmett, his arms now wrapped around Rosalie for protection.

"Dude, get off me!" Rosalie yelled, while she cuffed guy number two.

"I'm scared…" he whispered.

"Well I have to shoot something; if I can't, then I'm going to shoot Rosalie." Jasper said.

"Oh, come on!" she said.

"Well it wouldn't be wrong if he were to…I don't know try and hurt us…" Edward said. "And if you were defending yourself."

Jasper nodded, his eyes now landing on everyone. "Okay…so everyone knows the story? He got free and pulled a gun on us."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"I never did that!" Guy number one shouted.

"Too bad." Jasper said while his finger pulled the trigger, the bullet now entering guy number one's shoulder.

"That was rude." Nessie said while hiding her eyes on Jacob's shoulder.

Jasper shrugged. "You were the one who chewed up your mother's uterus."

"But she's fine now, isn't she?" Nessie countered.

"So is everyone happy now?" Bella interrupted, finally letting go of Edward.

Everyone nodded.

"Hey, I wonder if vampires can get high." Jasper said. Emmett looked thoughtful.

"Okay then…let's try and smoke some of this weed." He grinned.

At that moment, there was banging on the door, causing everyone to jump alert.

"Oh shit…" Jacob said.

Before anyone could stand up the door flew open, the Chief of police now entering. Everyone quickly straightened up, making it look like they weren't going to do anything.

Slowly he made his way inside, pointing at each and everyone of them. "You're all fired!"

Without an explanation or any further thoughts he left the trailer. Everyone sat in silence their eyes all casting on each other, until finally they all burst into a laugh, even Edward.

"Well…we lasted longer then I thought we would." Emmett said through laughter.

"Yeah..." Bella agreed, "Longer than Wal-Mart."

"Shall we continue?" Jasper asked while pulling the door closed.

"Lets!" Rosalie agreed.

As they all stayed in the dungy trailer and smoked up, the rest of Seattle managed to get a better sleep.

The End.

**A/N: Well, that's what would happen if the Cullens became cops. LOL. Anyway, review.  
**


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